Change
September 15. I have been thinking about how have I changed as a result of the blessing on cancer in my life. I have changed because of life; I am older, my boys are older, the pandemic happened. It has been a memorable time, comparable with my youth in the music school and orchestra, and graduate school. Other times have been by the most part sad to remember.
Images come and go. Feelings come and go. Here I am. What has it been like to be me in the last few years?, in particular since summer 2019 in Hong Kong, when it was clear that I was alone with my two boys. How has it been to be me today? Well, today I was eventually awaken by a hypoglycemia alarm that was on since last night. Technology is amazing. I eventually noticed it in the afternoon. I learned how dangerous this could be. I immediately thought of my boys and I thought I was home alone. My younger boy had finished his activities and was in his room but I didn't noticed him. My older boy was in the college. I was too weak to notice the alarm. My boys know to look for me if they hear the alarm, but this time they were not around. I realized that I was a bit dehydrated too.
I can see that I have changed in the way I respond to situations. Rather than reacting, I am now adapted to respond. This is a positive change for me. I can observe the situation hopefully without any filters such as catasthrophic thinking or mind-reading, and simply respond with the best move, like in chess. I play chess puzzles every day and games with my younger boy and this chess analogy of looking for the best move seems applicable to me. The best move today was to drink something sweet. This change in the way I respond, this very relevant change I owe to Dr. Reichmann and his mindfulness training.
Cancer also changed the way I think about cancer. It was a subject of which I knew nothing but had read and heard scary things. I know now that it is part of life and that nothing is guaranteed. I learned that cancer is just a generic name for a group of maladies that are related in terms of their nature, but there isn't an actual "emperor cancer". I mentioned the book The Emperor of All Maladies before, which helped me understand that the "Emperor" is the commanding presence of something that created significant change in my life. The Emperor demanded understanding, attention, respect, and awareness, not panic, fear, or rejection. I was not prepared for it in my life experience up to that time. I am happy that my boys are learning about it and in particular, that my youngest boy participated in a program regarding having a parent with the maladie.
I changed into a move observant customer of the world. I am more curious about life and I relearned to have a beginner's mind. I also learned to forgive and to be compassionate with myself. This has been a fantastic journey of welcomed change.
