My Boys

I learned that I am on the spectrum and that, by the grace of God, I survived purely on intellect.  I learned that I could not read my own emotions and perhaps those of my boys.  They were just being themselves.  They must have been concerned, scared, anxious, or perhaps confused, but they didn't show it.  

My youngest son has. been all laughs and my play buddy.  We play chess, xianqi, big two (a game popular in Hong Kong), Spanish checkers, and recently discovered Pokémon labyrinth.  In addition to chess, our main game, have played many other board games that often we find in thrift shops, but we have now settled on these. My boy is now a competitive chess player and this year, qualified to the Canadian national junior chess tournament.  We read every day, from children's bibles (we have gone through more than a handful), and some classics, such as Don Quijote, known as the first modern novel.  Of course, I have to make voices and sound effects and he tells me to stop because sometimes he gets hiccups and tommy aches from all the laughter.  That makes me happy.  To be there with him every day. 

My older son was just starting high school when I changed into a professional patient.  I learned to listen to him and support him by sharing in his interest.  He is an excellent cook, trained in hotels and with chefs since he was very little out of interest.  He started at the Sheraton in Macau, when we lived in Hong Kong, and a friend, who had a Michelin star at the time, mentored him.  Since we came back to Canada, after 10 years, he has been cooking with a chef in a program.  He got to Hong Kong as a baby.  Cooking and making digital cartoons has been his past-time accompanied by his faithful budgie.  

Both of my sons were born in different parts of Canada and have had very different experiences growing up, one in Hong Kong and the other one in Oakville.  They both share me and my approach to life and since I recovered from the dark times after the diagnosis, I have tried to show them how to recognize our blessings and be thankful for them.

I learned after a few years of waiting for the bus, that I had many blessings around me such as air to breathe and my boys to keep me alive.  I believe that they saved my life.

I also learned something interesting from Dr. Reichmann, who I mentioned in a different post.  He shared a paper in which a study discovered an inverse correlation between suffering and acceptance.  That is, the higher the acceptance, the lower the suffering.  That was a revelation.  It went something like this: Suffering was described as directly correlated to pain, an independent variable, and resistance, a variable that depended on my attitude.  In terms that I understood, suffering = pain * resistance.  Pain can be physical and emotional and can be out of my control.  So, if suffering = pain * resistance and resistance = 1 / acceptance, if follows that suffering = pain / acceptance.  Consequently and amazingly for me, suffering decreases as my acceptance increases, given that pain might be constant or even increased.  Thus, I should be able to reduce my suffering, our suffering by increasing acceptance. 

I worked on my acceptance.  I became very aware of my blessings, starting with air.  I also worked on helping my boys.  The youngest one attended a program for children of cancer patient parents.  My older boy started to work with Dr. Reichmann.  We focus on praying daily together.  And, here we are.  

We learned to be together and navigate the waves of life together, thankful for the tools of our faith and blessings that facilitate our course through the lake of life.  

My youngest son probably doesn't remember me before the diagnosis.  Thanks to the kindness of an angel, Susan M., who brought him to the hospital, he has been with me to the treatment room at the Princess Margaret Hospital where the staff gave him a tour and showed him the Star Wars tools that they used on me, at the time.  They showed him how they were destroying the yai yai (Cantonese for "menace") "dot" that was affecting me and showed him the dot in a positron emission tomography scan.  It was a wonderful day.   Other days, my older son, or both accompany me and they wait in a comfortable "secret" lounge that we found.  They both connect to school or play games.  In contrast I was alone during a radical surgical procedure and all other appointments, except that my favourite auntie and uncle traveled from Europe to accompany me to a cardiac procedure and to the Princess Margaret Hospital.  My auntie is the only person in my family that has met my oncologist.  The company of my boys and my auntie and uncle helps me to know that this is all part of life.  I am also grateful for my friend Angela who often meets me for coffee after treatment and I ​feel her care.

I am grateful for cancer.  I thank God for it.  Cancer, or as Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee crowned it as the emperor of all maladies, helped me to live a peaceful life, loving every breath and every instance with my boys.  It has been a gift from God.  I think that the experience is helping them to know more about life and I hope that I am modelling how to cope with one challenge.  

We will keep praying every day.  To be able to pray is part of our blessings.