Why

I thought that I write because this helps me organize my ideas; or because it helps me to get ideas out of my thoughts and into a media where I can preserve them; or to communicate the thoughts to someone else; or to pass the time.  There is a filter that helps me find the words to write that capture thoughts in my journal.  The filter of order in the chaos.  

For a few days, I have been thinking of Dr. Kinsner.  One of my mentors in graduate school.  I didn't take any courses with him, but I listened to him attentively at every opportunity. That was part of the beauty of graduate school; that I could think, listen, and more or less take any course that I wanted.  I gravitated towards the departments that offered ways to documented beauty, differential geometry, functional analysis, set theory, and I found ways to work in the department that offered inspiration in experimentation,  Dr. Kinsner proclaimed the beauty of fractals and ways to capture and model structures.  He regularly invited a group of his grad students to his house to discuss in his living room about these topics, and I was blessed to have been invited.  I found these sessions very rewarding in making me think in other ways.  It was he who guided me in my next steps after my doctorate and introduced me to my next mentors, Len D. and Clint G..  Len was a master of talking to people and relationship building.  Clint was a master of pondering technological challenges.  Dr. Kinsner prepared me for my first professional nerd adventure, and Len and Clint provided the environment.  I also remember Dr. McLeod, from whom I learned compassion for people, particularly students, beyond knowledge of engineering.

I write because I remember people and experiences.  I relive through the words that I find to capture the thoughts.  I am grateful to my mentors.  Coming from my self-imposed silence through high school and engineering school as a contrast of my sound through music school, I somehow changed dramatically into an embodiment of lessons from Dr. Kinsner, Len, and Clint.  From years of silence with no interest in talking to people and building relationships and networks, to then being among great people in government, industry, and academia globally.  I developed a persona for professional life that allowed me to survive all these years.  In the words of one of the doctors in my health team, I survived on intellect alone.  Despite developing a persona who worked very well in my professional life, I continued to be the same silent type listening to Dr. Kinsner and others.

Sadly, Dr. Kinsner left us over a year ago, and Clint about 10 years ago.  I didn't look for the opportunity to let them know how important they were in helping my survive.  I feel sad.  I also feel happy that I wrote some words to Len.  The fractal thoughts around the mystery of my professional persona revealed in words that I could offer to Len.  There is more at a different scale in a "thank you".

Writing has helped me organize my words to characterize important people in my life.  Before cancer, I could visualize my thoughts as a chaotic structure, but now as I look through the structure and recognize self-similar patterns, I can model thoughts around ideas that remind me of important people.  I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to meet people that found lodging in my thoughts.  I can feel the energy, the character, the beauty of the contributions of people to my life today.

I write because I find structure in my thoughts and equations in words to capture the beauty that has been my life.